Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize