We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
