im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
