Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
