I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
