put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
