We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
this beer tastes like vomit already
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
