Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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