You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
