He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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