the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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