Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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