she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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