she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I die, sorry about rent.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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