the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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