Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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