Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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