eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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