The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
