I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
