god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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