A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
