For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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