i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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