tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
