Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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