Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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