Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
