Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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