WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
In America we eat man semen.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
