I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
