and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
