I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
