if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize