it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
