after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So apparently I’m into choking now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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