Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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