I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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