mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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