Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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