you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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