all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
