he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
