Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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