You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
