Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
we should paint friendship bongs
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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