good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
