There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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