News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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