Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize