rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
