my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
