seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
