I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize