Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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