god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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