i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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