Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
