I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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