At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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