If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
