is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
