Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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